Tuesday, August 30, 2011

my bible study

daily worries & laundry have a way of sneaking in & taking hold, telling your creativity that it's just not needed at this time, please check back later. then your creativity has to file for underemployment & it gets cranky & peevish and then won't return your calls.

i've been feeling the effects of this for some months now. most of it is my own doing. i have chosen to take appointments with worry instead, and reschedule creativity for an undisclosed later date. "when i feel like it."

you can only put up with creativity deficiency for so long, tho. it really starts to make you ugly.

i've recently decided to get back to private bible study, as i have done in years past every morning. i'm trying to think...how many years has it been since i've actively read my bible? six years? luckily for me, god is gracious & merciful and somehow i've been sustained...youtube makeup videos? trying to squeeze the face of god out of forensics shows on tv? does god go to starbucks?

i went to bed a few days ago on the verge of tears and just really spiritually wiped out. i felt smeared on the pavement. altho i am healthy, i've been struggling with worry & anxiety over issues that are beyond my control. how do you deal with stuff that you want to control but obviously cannot? my tack is to worry about it obsessively and let it control my every waking thought. not a good strategy. so i was just wrung right the hell out the other nite after entertaining these doom thoughts for so very, very long.

i remembered that when i was a teenager i struggled badly with anxiety and so i turned to psalms every nite before i went to bed. reading praise passages reminded me that god created everything and was in everything, and after a year or so of reading praises to god, i got thru my insomnia and free floating anxiety.

so the other nite i laid down in bed and cracked an old worn bible with no cover on it, a gift from a friend who had cleaned out her late mother's house. it increases my faith to see other's faith in action, in this case, a worn out bible with crinkled edges. i decided to open the book & read the first thing that my eyes hit.

to my complete joy and gratefulness, it was psalms 107. it was MINE. i knew that he sees past my laziness & weakness, and that i matter. he knows my anxieties and faithlessness and "should know betters" and excuses, and time wasters and diversions...and yet he still loves me and still wants my time & attention.

i know because of this part: (4,5,6) they wandered in the wilderness in a solitary way; they found no city to dwell in. hungry & thirsty, their soul fainted in them. then they cried unto the lord in their trouble, and he delivered them out of their distresses.

i was so grateful to read that, my soul drank it in like a kid that barges in the kitchen in summer, slamming the door & slugs back an entire glass of water. that was me for so long, so many months, wandering around with my thumb up my butt, wondering when i would feel grounded and safe. burdened with worry, my soul almost completely dry, and my spirit...where was my spirit? asleep? i knew that we should read the bible, and that we should commune with god daily; he wants to hear our troubles, he knows them anyway, but he wants communion with us, so his spirit can help us. so our spirits don't dry up & wither away with each tiny worry that takes our attention away from our awesome journey here.

but i let my worries be more important, and i would get around to bible study, communing with god, "when i felt like it." this does no good for the creative soul. we are made in his image, in his likeness. we must create, it is in us to do this. part of us, like our organs & our blood. yet i was denying it daily, and days turned into years. then i was so parched & depleted...no one & nothing else can renew you like god's word. because it is a living thing, it is always fresh.

thank god for psalms, and for people of faith. "be not conformed to this world, but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind." romans 12:2.

anyway, onto more talk about creativity (genesis 1)next time. this post is gargantuan. xo